While most people my age enjoy modern things, such as modern music, modern fashion, and other modern things and commodities, I am what many call old-fashioned. I mean, let's face it, I listen to outdated music, I wear clothes that are out of date and are often hand-me-downs, and I don't possess other modern things. And that is why many people shun me and leave me on my own--because I am not with the modern crowd.
 I have often wondered why I cannot own modern things. But then again, I am miserably poor, and I have never had a lot of money. I try my best to look presentable, as well as decent, but that is not enough to convince people that I am not without my worth and good points.
 It has been said that it is hell to be poor. That rings true especially for me. Maybe you young people enjoy luxuries and other things that I do not. Maybe you have a lot of money and don't live paycheck to paycheck like I do. Not that I hold that against you, of course.
 I come from a broken home. My dad is a lying, abusive, whore-chasing jackass who never had time for me, and my poor mother has had to raise me for almost all my life, since I was three years old. I have never known a day when I cannot fear being in the streets. People have often said that I would never amount to anything except what my damnable father is now. But then again, my future is not looking very bright, especially now that I cannot go to college since I got kicked out of there because of the lies of a bunch of idiot students all anxious to embarrass me because I did not come from their popularity class. So who the hell knows what my future is now?
 Personally, I feel inadequate and totally useless. I simply do not know what to do with the rest of my life.

 The reasons why I use the Ghostbusters II emblem as my Xanga photo are quite simple. First, I am a big fan of Ghostbusters and its sequel, Ghostbusters II (I'm not too crazy about Ghostbusters III, for I feel that it lacks the pizazz and authenticity of its predecessors). The second reason is because the emblem reflects the kind of man that I am--a man trying to reach out to the world and never getting much luck. But above all, I am a man of good will and peace.
 The ghost you see is me, with the peace sign showing from one hand as I struggle to escape from my less-than-perfect past, which has overshadowed much of my present-day life. The peace sign shows that I am above all a peaceful, down-to-earth person, even while I am struggling to escape from my terrible past. But even a peaceful man has his moments of frustration, especially when he is struggling to escape from the demons of his past. That man would be me, friends.
 It is never easy to live the kind of life that I have lived for the last eight years--lonely, put down for who I am, poor, and betrayed by those I love and trust--and it sure isn't a life I want to keep on living.

THE BANK OF AMERICA CENTER

THE CHEVRON TOWERS

ALLEN CENTER

THE WILLIAMS TOWER

THE ALLEY THEATER

THE WORTHAM CENTER

MINUTE MAID PARK

RELIANT STADIUM

THE TRAVIS TOWER

HERITAGE PLAZA

MAIN STREET SQUARE

 I have been always thought of as a carbon copy of my father, who is brutish and overbearing, which I honestly try not to be. My dad is known throughout North Houston as a brute and an ass, and I grow tired of being thought of as being like him. Sure, I have moments when I am rather nasty and often overbearing myself. That does not mean I am going down the same path my dad went down in his time.
 Every time I go through North Houston, someone says, "There is Sam Collins' other half," and even say "Like father, like son." Why am I being thought of as being like that jackass I call my dad? He was never there for me. He was always cheating on my mother, beating on me and my mother, and acting like an ass all the time. So why the hell should I be like him? I was raised by my mother and sisters, not my assanine father. And I grow tired of being compared to him.
 That, I believe, is why I can never have peace--because as long as I am under the stigma of being a brutal ass like my dad, I will never have one damn day's peace. And it gets worse. They even say that I act like him in matters of hygeine and personality. I mean, hell, it's one thing to say I act like him in matters of personality and genetics, but when it comes down to hygeine, I do not share his poor hygenic skills.
 My dad always has been an ass. When I was born, he was out in the hospital hallway, messing around with a female intern. When I was little, he took me around his whores and his regular women. When I was ten years old, he savagely beat me with a Texas-size belt. He was never there for me at all when I needed him the most. I never got much from him except his signature on my birth certificate. He lets his family treat me like the bastard at the family reunion. He never respects me as his son.
 So why should I be considered like him? I do not have his nasty, brutish nature, friends. It is that simple.

 

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 If anyone has ever seen the movie "Purple Rain," a 1984 film starring Prince, they have seen a mirror image of what I have had to endure for most of my life--being alienated by almost everyone, yet also talented and intellectual in spite of my loneliness. In this film, Prince plays a singer who is as alienated as he is talented, a singer who eventually finds his place in the world without ever thinking he will. That is the kind of man that I am, friends. After eight years, I am a talented person still trying to find my place in the world, like Prince was in "Purple Rain," yet I am having a far more difficult time doing so.
 I know I have some measure of talent in me still. The evil students of Chavez High School did not drive it from me fully. The only question is this--Can I still tap into that talent? No one, save my mother, believes that I can. That is why I have been harsh with you, my friends here on Xanga, not because I want to be, but because I am torn between many questions. Should I find some reason for going on, or should I give up on everything I had hoped for since childhood? Should I try to use my talents, or should I let them be and stay lonely and tired? What are my chances for making it in the world?
 I don't have any friends, and I sure don't have anyone beyond my old mother who understands that I am not without experience or talent. No one believes in me anymore, just like they didn't believe in Prince in that film, "Purple Rain." Maybe if I use my talents for more resourceful things other than anger and hate for others, like Prince did in that film, then I could recover my losses and create a new hope for myself out of the ruins and ashes of my current life. I just simply don't know how to tap into my talents to do this.
 Any advice, anyone?